To be posted in Facebook Notes - November 29, 2014

At 10:25 this morning Mom finished this leg of her journey.

She lived through the night . . . we had started to proceed with things as they were . . . we did not try to get to the Hospice as early as we could. She waited until we were not around making a fuss. Perhaps until Mom knew we were going to continue as normal. Then as unobtrusively as possible, she slipped away from this earthly life.

As far as we could tell, she rested comfortably during those last two weeks. But now she does not have to worry about someone getting her up out of bed. She does not have to worry about someone feeding her. She does not have to struggle with taking a breath.

My niece was the only family member present when she took her last breath. LaKisha said that she just simply drifted away and began an eternal rest - no longer dealing with bodily functions. She described her face as glowing like a beautiful bride as she comes down the aisle.

When we arrived about half an hour later we had simulataneous feelings of sorrow and relief.

My sister Robin, her husband, and her son finished the task of choosing pictures for the slide show that will be the Mom's mini-biopic at the service. Then I went home and wrote yesterday's update for Week 2, not really knowing what to expect but allowing ourselves to be at peace if Mom chose to leave when we were not there to witness it.

From Facebook Notes - Nov 28, 2014

Thanks to all who have been praying and sending their positive energy to our family.

Mom has been in Hospice for over a week now. Her breathing has been getting much more shallow, but she is holding on. When her breathing became very shallow on the morning of her eighty-seventh birthday, Wednesday, the nurse felt like the family should come because she surmised by the looks of things that Mom only had a few hours. But Mom, fighter that she is, held on until the end of the day and even all day Thanksgiving while we celebrated at my nephew and niece's house. Even today she is breathing steadily, though shallowly.

There were many family visitors and a few others on Wednesday. The music therapist came in and we had a little hymn-sing of Mom's favorites. The nurses decorated the door with ribbons and balloons. It was a nice way to celebrate Mom's life. During the day, my nephew noted how many of his favorite authors lived to be eighty-seven years old. And even Abraham Lincoln noted a famous event "four score and seven years ago." Our famous event that long ago was our Mom's being born to Ruby and John Clemons!

Now as the mundane tasks of everyday life, we must make decisions on whether to stay or get things done that have been neglected for a couple of weeks. So I finally got my hair cut this morning before I made my way to the Hospice. I got here and Mom was struggling a little to breathe. It is amazing that she is still breathing, since the nurses that have been caring for her the last few days have said one of her lungs has shut down.

We don't know what purpose God or Mom have in mind for her not letting go yet, but she is still with us for a while.

I recall about twenty years ago when she had a bout with cancer, she called me in Texas, where I lived at the time. She was so very calm. I was the basket case whose fears needed to be assuaged. She let me know that she would have the treatments and that she would be fine. That turned out to be the case. So what did I know? And now, although, not conscious, she seems to be surviving again. I am more peaceful about this than the cancer . . . perhaps because she was so calm about it back then and she had twenty more years.

From Facebook Notes - Nov 22, 2014

Several have come in the last two days to visit Mom and to be with the family . . . the pastor of Robin's church [Crown Pointe Church] came on Thursday, the pastor of my church [Broadway Church] came on Friday morning, and the chaplain of the Hospice came Friday afternoon. We are grateful for the love that has been shown to us and for our faith that was passed down to us from Mom.

She continued to rest peacefully throughout the day. In the evening, she became a little bit agitated. Just as we decided it was time to get a bite of supper at the cafeteria, Mom grimaced and moaned just a little. The nurse gave her a little bit of morphine to ease the pain and she became restful again.

After we ate, we came back and continued making plans for the memorial service that we had been planning throughout the day. We decided whom we needed to contact. We looked through pictures. We read and gathered poems that Mom had written.

The angst of just doing the things that need to be done helps to pass the time. The emotions are flooding. You make phone call after phone call to be sure family members get to the right place at the right time. You become frustrated because someone did not answer the e-mail you sent. You hurry to do things for which there is plenty of time. And you find that you forgot to do some things already be done. At the end of each day, based on the best recommendations of the wonderful hospice staff who have experience, but who also know that sometimes their experience fails them, whether it is one more night that you can sleep at home or if someone should spend the night.

The time unfolds, as I said before, in such an unnatural manner. About a year ago, I recall Mom saying, "The years are just zipping by . . . but sometimes the days last forever." And that really sums up the last five days.

We did go home Friday night. And Susie's son and daughter re-arranged plans so they will be here on Saturday rather than right before Thanksgiving. They will be here from California and Texas and if everything goes the way we would like for it to go, all the grands and great grands will be able to say goodbye to Grandma.

Mom several times has gathered enough strength in the last few days to let out a huge yawn. Robin said once, "She's just saying this is boring. I just want to go see Jesus."

Mom's eighty-seventh birthday will be the day before Thanksgiving. As we reflect, plan, and sometimes just sit, we can know that those were eighty-seven years lived well.

From Facebook Notes - Nov 19, 2014

Mom started the day at at St. Mary's Hospital and moved to St. Luke's Hospice at about 2:00 PM. Susie, Robin, Bruce (Robin's husband) and I got some lunch (we didn't follow the ambulance) and afterward went to check out the Hospice House.

The fluids and antibiotics that were being pumped into her body during her treatment at the hospital had causeda lot of swelling/edema. So with the discontinuation of any treatment (other than a little bit of oxygen) she should be more comforatable.

We got there and she seemed more peaceful than when she was at the hospital. The surroundings at the Hospice are beautiful, we know that this alleviates a lot of stress for family members; we all feel that Mom is probably less stressed even though she can't tell us.

We decided not to spend the night since Mom was resting peacefully. Soon enough one or more family members will be spending the night.

If you would like more information or would like to visit, send me a private message or call Robin, Susie, or me. 

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

From Facebook Notes - Nov 18, 2014

During the night they transferred Mom from the ICU to a regular patient room. My sister Susie arrived from Los Angeles at 1 AM. My sister Robin, Susie, and I all got to the hospital at about 10:00 this morning. We knew the room number and were distressed to find an empty room. As it turns out, they had taken Mom to have a brain scan.

We again spoke with the palliative care nurse about options. She had not become responsive overnight. She still had the infections. And she was still on an IV with dextrose and antibiotics. 

So today her blood sugars have stayed at 180 or above. She continues to have a fever. But we have noticed swelling and fluid retention. The cardiologist came in and her heart function and respiratory function is pretty much normal. But she is still unconscious. While she has not been a complainer, I do recall mentioning to her that someone had just lived to be 100. And Mom retorted that she hoped she didn't live to be that old. And when she was unable to come with the right words in the last few months, I could read the definite frustration on her face. She had signed the "Do Not Resuscitate" order. So collectively, between my sister and me, we felt very secure in our decision to find out more about Hospice after we spoke to the hospitalist this afternoon. The hospital social worker contacted the Hospice people for us and they sent someone to talk to us at 5:30 this afternoon.

She will move to the brand new St. Luke's Hospice that is on Southwest Trafficway, just about a block from the site where Robin and I spent our high school years . . . right across the street from the elementary school that we attended. Susie, I believe, also went to her first years of elementary school there as well. (That elementary school building still stands, but it is no longer a school.) Of course no one can predict when or if Mom will pass, but they will keep her as comfortable and pain free as possible. The antibiotics will be diminished and the IV feeding will stop. Her body will take over and either recover on its own or more likely gradually come to a halt. The doctors and nurses at Hospice will manage any pain. If her body should not continue its decline, we will have to return her to a nursing home. However, the best guess of the doctor and the Hospice nurse was that she could slowly decline for a couple of weeks. 

She will be in very nice surroundings. We can play music in her room that she has enjoyed during the rest of her life. The family can gather around her in a home-like atmosphere. Meals can be taken at the Hospice Home, going in and out at will or even staying all night as we see that her last day is approaching quickly. 

While since yesterday at about noon, she has not opened her eyes or communicated with us, she seems to be resting comfortably. Moving her to the St. Luke's Hospice is a continuation of that comfortable rest. It is only about five minutes from us rather than the 20 minute drive to Blue Springs. Susie's children and grandchildren will likely be able to get here to say goodbye when they come up for Thanksgiving. All the children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren can come together in a comfortable setting to reminisce, support, and love. So it will help us to take care of ourselves as we go through the stress of the situation.

So we are at peace with this as well.

From Facebook Notes - Nov 17, 2014

This has been an incredibly long day! (And an even longer one for my sister Robin.)

Robin apparently called me at 2:30 this morning to let me know that she was on the way to the ER because the nursing home had sent mom there. Unfortunately, I didn't hear the phone. Then she called again at 7:30 this morning, but I didn't hear the phone; I was awake. So I didn't see any of the messages until 9:00 when I saw an e-mail entitled "Mom" in my inbox. Just seeing that word in the subject-box made me know that I needed to sit down before I read it.

So . . . what happened was Robin found out that Mom had pneumonia. The upper chambers of her heart were quivering. Not sure why she threw up, but she did and then aspirated. Eventually, she found out that Mom also had a urinary tract infection. And her blood sugar was very low. This is why she is on antibiotics and glucose in an IV.

I got to the hospital about 10:00 or so (thanks to my lovely niece, Audrey) and was there until about 6:15 this evening. During the morning, Mom opened her eyes a few times, but was never really conscious. She seemed to be resting in comfort. Vital signs were basically good. Good blood pressure. Heart rate was a little unsteady, but not really erratic. They were also checking her blood sugar fairly regularly. Even with the glucose IV, it dipped down below 40. So they gave her an injection of glucose to raise her blood sugar level . . . it didrise to normal level. They doubled the amount of glucose in the IV. Just before we left this evening, they checked her blood sugar again and it was 36. Again,they gave her a sugar boost injection.

I don't know what they will do about that.

Mom does not have a history of heart disease. Mom does not have a history of diabetes.

So we called my other sister Susie in California and toldher what was going on. We also asked the staff if we should tell her to fly in early rather than wait until next Wednesday as she originally planned for Thanksgiving. Susie decided to fly in when she gets off work today and will be in town at 11:30 tonight.

So far Mom's body is using all the fluids that she is receiving via IV. We have been warned that if the fluids are just causing swelling rather than being used by her body, they will let us know. Mom is a DNR person, so for now, we are continuing the treatment. We consulted the palliative care nurse and came to the conclusion that at least until Susie gets here and we can talk as siblings we will continue to have them treat her (so long as she is comfortable.)

After speaking to the hospitalist, the cardiologist, and the palliative care nurse, our decision is to leave things status quo at least until tomorrow when we can see how the antibiotics are working and whether she becomes conscious again. Or possibly the next day. If she does not become conscious again, we will have to re-evaluate what steps should be taken. It is possible that we will stop the antibiotics and the sugar and let nature take its course. It's a quality of life decision.

The last couple of months of visits to Mom in the nursing home have softened the blow for me. I am quite grateful that she always had a smile for us when we visited. She didn't talk much. But whenever Robin asked if she was hurting, Mom would say no. She didn't talk much, in fact she wasn't really able to stay awake during the last couple of visits, but she was never a complainer. On our last visit, Robin brought her a chocolate milk shake, she couldn't hold the cup but she got every last drop through the straw as Robin held the cup . . . with relish. It was good to see her enjoying something like that.

Two Aspirin

BACK STORY

You have no reason to know that when I first started my master's degree I was a music composition major rather than a music education major. That was in 1977. After one year I talked it over with the chair of the Music Education department and my composition professor, Dr. Martin Mailman.

After I made the decision to change majors, I again went to Dr. Mailman to deliver it. "So you took two aspirin and felt better in the morning!" he said.

NOW

I have applied for six jobs that I thought would interest me. I only had one interview. The others sent rejections before they even talked to me. Surprisingly, all this rejection did not send me into a delirious depression. In fact, it was like a weight was lifted.

Before I started this job search I decided I would only take a full time job if it were something that would be fulfilling mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, not merely financially.

Lately, the thought of going to interviews has led me to believe I have reached another two aspirin moment.

Therefore, I have decided that I will not continue looking for a full-time position. Several things have led to this decision. Not the least of these are:

• Recent calls and e-mails to the GLSEN chapter and the feeling that we are on the edge of something big – with the grant and also the request by Andy to do the Kansas City MO School District workshops.
• Why did I spend my time to be trained as a professional development facilitator if I'm going to take a job that will be a hindrance to my facilitating?
• I'm having a surge of creativity in the composition department.

I will be looking into part-time or temp work. I am drawing against my 403B to get by until I either get some supplemental income or I can start drawing social security in a year and three months.

I am also finishing up a piece that I started about five years ago. This is a piece for viola and piano based on Christmas Carols. The part of the piece that I finished five years ago is based on "Pat-a-Pan." (If you would like to hear the part of the piece that is finished, it is available at http://bratsche2.net/ounds/Pat-A-Pan.mp3. You can assess for yourselves whether you think I should just take another two aspirin.) I got the idea to make this into a multi-movement suite with all the movements based on carols that use onomatopoeia in their titles. The movement that is close to completion is based on "Fum, Fum, Fum." This surge of creativity for this second movement started when I got the last rejection e-mail and I did mot feel bad about it. Some friends have suggested self-publishing as an option, which when I was a composition major in the early 1980s didn't seem to be an option.

FROM THIS POINT FORWARD

So that is what is going on with me and my job hunt at this time. I know that I asked board members to send prayers or positive energy toward  in a previous e-mail.But God (or whatever you feel controls things in life) seems to be urging me in a different direction. So I ask you to re-direct prayer and/or positive energy in that direction now.

Thanks

Over the Barrier

OK, Friends. Some of you may know. Some of you may not. I haven't really made it a public thing.

I have been very angry with someone and probably way less than forgiving. Because of this lack of forgiveness, I have been stymied in my personal life and probably more so in my professional life.

You might have heard two years ago that I retired and received the news with surprise. And had my professional life gone as I had planned, I doubt that I would be retired from teaching as we speak. And you may have thought what the heck is he doing with his life?

Those paragraphs probably have led you to the conclusion (rightly so) that the person I needed to forgive was my boss. I will not mention a name because that would not be conducive to my continuing on the forgiveness journey. I do truly believe that the reason my life was made hellacious during the last three years of my employment was because my boss was given an ultimatum to cut a very fat budget. Stripping it of my salary was a very easy way to do that. I could give you many examples of things my boss did, unprofessional things, to make me believe that, but again, I do not intend to trash this person.

It is not the function of this post to vent my anger.

The function of this Note actually is to let you know that I think this last week I have finally overcome a two-year funk, a barrier. I am becoming less complacent and more proactive about what I need to do. So I would appreciate your positive thoughts and energy. Your prayers.  I know I will need them to keep going forward.

I have been seeking proactively - and more importantly, actively - employment. I have found a few positions for which I will apply. I am dusting off my 15 year old résumé. I have gone to the Missouri Full Employment Commission. In fact, tomorrow I will be taking a résumé workshop to update it. Currently it looks like I am looking for a teaching job. I realized that during the last sixteen or so years I have accrued some skills that are useful to careers other than teaching and that some of the skills that I used in teaching are also useful in other endeavors. Lest you think this Note doesn't sound very forgiving, I must thank that person I need to forgive because it was because of this person's recommendation that I accrued some of these skills.

You may be curious about the first position that my new résumé might help with; it is for a general manager position. If you'd like to see the job description, you can see it at:

http://business.npconnect.org/jobs/info/arts-entertainment-general-manager-833589

I will not let not getting an interview for this position be a brick wall that I slam up against because there are other positions in the pipeline. Once I get my résumé to my liking, I think the Full Employment Commission may have some matching services as well. I will continue to hunt on my own.

Random thoughts . . . mostly on television and addiction to it

Well, I guess I didn't post more often than before.

I still haven't found a way to merge my old blog with this one.

Just so you know, I have become addicted to Downton Abbey, Scandal, House of Cards, and Orange is the New Black. Two of these series demonstrate a new way of watching TV. One that despite the fact that I turned 60 on my birthday, I think I could get used to. It's called binge watching. The two Netflix series, House and Orange, are designed for binge watching. They are released to the public a whole season at a time. House was recently released and I watched five episodes in one weekend. I do have a few more episodes to watch.

Right now I'm watching Scandal. I really like the show but at times I find the speed-talking of all the actors annoying. There are times that I may as well be watching a show in a foreign language with sub-titles.

Downton and Scandal, as opposed to the Netflix series, are rolled out one episode at a time. I watch a season and then anxiously await the next season for weeks. Strange how being addicted to these series affects the passage of time. It makes time passage very unnatural . . . in different ways. The shows that are unfurled one episode at a time probably not be different than tne multi-furled episodes if I had a DVR. I don't have a VCR, either. And I won't get one because VHS tapes are so bulky that I don't want them. It took me many years after I no longer had a way to play them, to get rid of my 12 inch LPs. But I did get rid of them, but for me those LPs went away and VHS tapes and cassette tapes went away with them. Good thing I never got eight-tracks . . .

Orange, right now, is out of sight and therefore out of mind. so I don't have much to say about it.

And Downton just ended its season. This season didn't end with a horrible tragedy. It even ended with some happy stuff. So who knows how the new season will begin?